TheInDecider 9 million Americans watched Jersey Shore last week, a statistic that was cited by S&P as the primary cause of the credit downgrade.
juicymorsel If I had to suggest one item to really complement capri-length jorts on a middle-age white guy, it’s a “Kill me now” T-shirt.
mrdavehill 6am. What the hell am I doing up this early? And don’t even get me started on why I’m masturbating in this cab.
pattonoswalt Can’t wait to be a senior citizen. Every time I’m about to defecate in my pants, I’ll wink & say, “Soiler alert!” Fun!
OverlandParker I can’t believe Justin Bieber didn’t win the Teen Choice award for “Most likely to put this award up his butt.”
JimGaffigan Remember the couple in The Philippines that traded their kid for a karaoke machine? I wonder if it was a really nice karaoke machine.
nealbrennan One man’s “trauma” is another man’s “most hilarious shit I’ve ever seen.”
robdelaney Whenever I’m in a bad mood, I find a realtor’s bus-bench ad & press my balls into their face. Adios, frowny face!
juicymorsel Next time someone says they’re not book smart but street smart, ask them to name them all. In order.
capricecrane Rod Stewart never gave us the option to “let him know” if we *didn’t* want his body or *didn’t* think he was sexy.
rainnwilson Business ideas: Exploding dolls to teach kids about death. Also, gourmet croutons.
OverlandParker Going to church this morning obviously didn’t change me because it’s not even noon and I’m already lying about going to church this morning
YUCKYBOT The most awkward place in the world is the waiting room at the free clinic. Everyone just looks at one another like “Ugh. We fucked up.”
alexblagg Seems like Hollywood is running out of comic book movies to make. Someone should create a new hero called Superfluous.
juicymorsel Some days the most accomplishment I can point to is “I dressed myself.”