The Assange Assault


WikiLeaks being deemed an internet terrorist. Apparently anything that doesn’t go the way we’d like is now an act of terrorism. While brandishing their seventieth level dwarf sword and undead army; WikiLeaks tries to take over the internet. They are threatening the World of Warcraft, Dungeons and Dragons and The Lord of the Rings with the masses looking to read boring documents they don’t even understand, or taking part in online polling and blogs. Even higher level Mages are defenseless to this assault.

Though the company is not attacking any of these gaming sites directly, the amount of internet traffic is causing world-wide slowdowns. One player, John Smith (USA), says “I was in heated battle with a Horde army when the lag time caused me to be defeated.” While on the other side of the ocean it was a different story. Jane Doe (UK) stated, “I was losing a battle to an Alliance army, when all of a sudden, it was like they were just frozen. We easily destroyed the army from then on.” Several similar stories are flooding in from this blatant attack on the internet.

Since the world of online gaming is such a giant industry, several smear campaigns have been placed against its founder, Julian Paul. Besides the controversy over whether he wears boxers or briefs, the truth is he wears neither. Other more serious allegations have been made. New polls are springing up with world-wide voting on his brand loyalties, which he has none, and complaining on his usage of the word “bogan”, which he calls all online gamers. This mass flood is causing internet slowdowns and now major countries, all of them except France (they never stand up to anyone), are stepping up to put him down.

Fear and panic is being wide-spread. Where and when will this all stop? If other major internet domains like social networks and adult entertainment sites are brought to a crawl, I fear for the worst. A mass epidemic of online withdrawals could clog up the hospitals and rehab centers. Online users may be forced to be more productive at work or worse, spend time with their families. We can not let this assault continue. We need to keep the internet open to more important matters, like keeping up on our friends statuses, and leveling up in mmorpg’s. I refuse to leave my mother’s basement. You know what has to be done; let’s stop looking at the news and focus on ourselves instead.

POSTED BY Colonel Mustard AT 6:00 - 0 COMMENTS

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